I don't wanna!

I cry. It seems like that's all I can do these days. It's pointless to cry. In fact its a waste of time. But I can't seem to help myself. I get assured that it is totally normal. In fact most people tell me they have no clue how I deal with it. They say that they'd take it much harder.

"How are you doing?"
"I'm dying, much sooner than later. How would you be?"

I feel so cynical. Maybe it does make me a jerk to think like that. I hurt, physically and emotionally. I AM to young for this. I do want to act like a 'average' 28yo. Anyone know where I can trade my body?
I finally had a handle on my lupus ( and other issues). I was learning how to live in spite of it. I had gotten involved in so many wonderful things, but then I started getting short of breath. No biggie, I was sure it was something they would get under control. Nah... couldn't be that simple. Couldn't be fixable, or hell survivable.
My friends and family have a hard time talking to me about it. They are scared that there breakdown might hurt me. I wish I had someone other than David to breakdown with. I can't imagine how upsetting it is to know your best friend/daughter/sister has an incurable, deadly disease. I understand everyone has to have their time to cope with the news.

I cry, Alot.

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