It's ok... It's not all in your head.

I believe the hardest time I have had with being a 'broken' mommy was right after my oldest daughter was born. At that time I had not been diagnosed and honestly didn’t think that I had anything THAT serious wrong with me. I was convinced I was lazy, a horrible mother. I had just had a child and moved two hours away from my support system, I honestly believed that I was just depressed and should just be able to get over it. There were days when I physically could not pick her. I and she would lay in the floor and I would give her whatever she needed, we’d just do it in the floor. She would cry and all I could do was cuddle next to her. I was the one who was supposed to get up with her at night but I could not get out of bed when I heard her cry. I always woke up but I could not make myself get out of bed no matter what I tryed. I would have to wake her father up, after he had worked a full day. He would come home from work, as soon as he walked in I would go to bed. I was to tired to think or deal with anything. I felt like such a failure. At that time my relationship with her father was not going well. He had to work all the time, leaving me at home with a child I could barely take care of. He did not understand what was going on. Then three weeks after she was born I had to have emergency gall bladder removal. That just added to the distance that was growing between me and my daughter. I would have given anything to pick her up and cuddle her all the time. I would cry myself to sleep thinking that I was ruining everything. There was lots of guilt and inadequacy. I was not until I was diagnosed almost 2 ½ years later that I could finally start getting over the emotions. It all made since as to why I could not do it, I still get all upset when I think about that time. I don’t know if I will ever fully get over it but I am more at peace with it now. I would like to think that had I been diagnosed at the time I would have been able to ask for the help I desperately needed. Thankfully I have managed to developed a great relationship with her since then. She is now 5 and wonderful. She understands that sometimes she just has to crawl into Mommy’s lap. Light hugs and bunches of kisses are always required.