Its an emotion that all of us feel at some point in our lives. We are human, it comes naturally. I have found myself feeling more guilty for things I can not control than I use to. Like right now my girls are at their grandparents houses. This isn't a bad thing, their grandparents take good care of them. I just feel guilty because I am suppose to be taking care of them. They are suppose to be home with me. It is a bit selfish of me to think like this because I know I can not provide them with the best care. I know as soon as I get feeling good enough to be able to take good care of them that they will be home. Until then I will feel that twinge of guilt. Sometimes that twinge is far more than a twinge and all I want to do I wrap my girls up in a big hug and not let go!
I finally gave in yesterday and took something for the unyielding pain that I have been feeling. I take medication for the lupus but when I have a flare it can get unbearable. The past two days have been hospital worthy, but I stuck it out (good or bad I am stubborn) I am starting to feel human again. Which is good because I am about to go crazy having to lay down while there is three days worth of house work waiting to be done. Daddy Z will do it, eventually, and he will do it with a smile. I just need/want to get it done on my own. I am the one who is the at-home-mom and he is the 'bread winner'. This works for us wonderfully. Granted that now I am trying to get my disability but its almost impossible to survive on one income these days. I am very prideful about my house, its the one thing I can have control over. I want it to look like I care.